Kiwi Relieved Parents Have Returned Home

Nagoya-based teacher Jason Timms has now breathed a sigh of relief that his parents have gone home after their vacation in Japan, and can now return to his old life of debauchery.

Timms, a New Zealander who works as an ALT at a junior high school in Nagoya's Chikusa Ward, has had two weeks with his parents shadowing his every move while he desperately tried to appear like a functioning adult.

"It was fantastic to see them," he said. "It was their first trip to Japan in years, and I took them to all of the big sites: Hiroshima, Kyoto, Tokyo, Osaka. We even spent a night in a Ryokan in Gero which, apart from seeing my dad's shriveled knob at an onsen, was amazing. But truly, I loved hanging out with them, and it was an experience that I wouldn't trade for the world.

"But thank Christ that they have gone."

Timms found that his social life was seriously impeded during his parents' stay, particularly his evening routine of doom-scrolling dating apps while ordering Uber Eats.

"When they first suggested that they come to visit, I was absolutely over the moon," he continued. "It had been two years since I had seen them, what with me being incapable of saving even the basic airfare to fly home and instead spending all my wages on overpriced drinks and whatever shitcoin some influencer was shilling on TikTok. However, when they got out here, I remembered why I moved so far away from them."

Apart from seeing my dad's shriveled knob at an onsen, it was amazing!

While Timms could shrug off his father's occasional dark references to the war, and he could take his mother's continuous racist comments about the Japanese with a pinch of salt, it was the constant need to curate his Instagram stories that proved most exhausting.

"My folks were here to see the beauty of Japan in spring. They wanted to visit the old cities and see the cherry blossoms blowing in the wind. But the only blossoms I wanted to see were the ones sliding into my DMs on Pairs, sending me suggestive Line stickers at 2 AM.

"However, if I suggested for even a moment that I leave them unchaperoned for the evening, a look of panic crossed my mother's face. She demanded that I not leave them alone with 'these people' for even a moment, despite the fact that half the tourists clogging up Japan these days seem to be from our hometown anyway."

The visit was further complicated by his parents' confusion about his side hustle and their assumption that making TikToks about "Life in Japan" meant he was "basically unemployed."

"They kept asking why I was filming myself eating convenience store food instead of 'focusing on my real job,' not understanding that my 47 followers on TikTok are right on the edge of turning me into the next Torrell Tafa. Meanwhile, I'm trying to explain why my apartment looks like a budget content studio, with ring lights everywhere and my phone permanently mounted on a tripod like I'm about to drop the hottest ALT lifestyle content of 2025."

Now his parents have gone home, Timms is utterly relieved that he can return to his previous existence.

"Since the day they left, I have spent every evening back on the apps, getting moderately drunk at Hub, and making questionable life choices with other directionless gaijin," he added. "I can finally go back to my natural state of ordering convenience store dinner at 11 PM while swiping through profiles of women who list 'travel' and 'Netflix' as their entire personality.

"It was great to see them, it really was. But I hope that they don't come back too soon. Unless I actually manage to save enough for a deposit on a decent apartment, which would mean admitting my life here has become depressingly stable anyway."