Ask Kazuhide

This week, we look back at "Ask Kazuhide" from our Japanzine days. Kazuhide tackled cultural quirks and global events with outrageous and often offensive humor with his uniquely keen insight.

Kazuhide Otani, now nearing 83, rarely corresponds anymore. Now a retired taxi driver, he prefers to spend time at his local snack bar and occasional karaoke nights out singing, "I didito mah waaay." But his legend lives on.

Originally published in the January 2010 issue of Japanzine.

Note: Some people may find the following content objectionable.

I am have the big realize for to the end of the my rife. Of course my rife is longer than you, because I am the careful diet and strong ki Japanese man, but still I realizing, the Japanese god is give me the long and wonderful life. I should be the more thankful and pure person. So for the 2010, I am decide to become the even more happy and positive Kazuhide Otani.

Yoroshiku Onegaishimasu!

Dear Kazuhide, 
Why do the Japanese censor their porn? Why don’t Japanese have all of their porn uncensored like the rest of the world?
 
Barry

Dear Barry, 
Old Kazuhide is used to say, “you are idiot” and I finish with you. But I am the new Kazuhide. This is the very good question, and I want to give the very serious answer. Basicarry, mosaic of the Japanese private parts is part of Japan economic stimulus package for the Japanese from middle of 1990s. We are too sad to fire so many old Japanese, especially policemens, so we create  the new job, “mosaic checking person”, and his job is to watch all the Japanese porno, and make sure private parts is covered by the digital mosaic.

As you know, Japan is have healthy porno supply, so this job is very high employment. It is financed by the penalty taxes for porno company that doesn’t follow mosaic rules. The benefit is doubles, because we increase the employment of older salaryman, and we keep the morals of Japanese people. Even it is the rape porno, it is more moral because we have mosaic. To eliminate the censorship, is mean we lose both of these benefit, and no more stimulating to the old men.

We are too sad to fire so many old Japanese, especially policemens, so we create  the new job, “mosaic checking person”, and his job is to watch all the Japanese porno, and make sure private parts is covered by the digital mosaic.

Dear Kazuhide, 
Why is it that Japanese men need to undo their belts and unbutton their pants to use a urinal? Unzipping my fly almost always works for me. Thanks for your time. 

Bobby Weaver

 Dear Bobby, 
Some Japanese is having the soba noodle. Some Japanese is have the udon noodle, require difficult trouser access. Some of the people, like you, is have inari zushi, allow the very easy to access.

Dear Kazu-kun,

Why do the Japanese like squeaky brakes on their bicycles? I have heard that they think that ringing a bell is impolite, but the “It can’t be helped” sound of brakes screeching is somehow acceptable.

Why? Can you stop the madness?

Johnnie

Dear Johnnie,

Let me telling you secret: Japanese brake is bery differ from America brake. Japanese brake have strong sound, like ‘semi’ [cicada] in summertime. This is musical sound to Japanese ears, but sound terrible to gaijin.

Kazu, can you explain the role of the “virus preventing” mask in Japanese society? Don’t people here know that wearing masks is ineffectual?

Anonymous

Dear Anon, 
Basicarry, Asian is always looks bery cool with the mask. From before the Edo jidai, when ninja is appear in the everyday life, everyone is agree the Japanese “almond eye” behind the mask is looking so very sexy.

It used to be everyone is ninja, the old man or woman, children, everyone wear the mask and throwing shuriken. Now we just wearing the mask for fun.