A Beefy Manifesto
Let me put it plainly: I've eaten more burgers in this city than most people have had hot showers. This isn't a brag—it's a cry for help. From dingy diners on the fringes of Imaike where the health inspector leaves Post-it notes that just say "Why?" to boutique joints tucked behind the neon of Sakae where they charge you extra for the privilege of being disappointed, I've spent a frankly pathological portion of my adult life chasing the perfect beef-to-bun ratio. My doctor has started greeting me with "What now?" instead of "Good morning." And while I won't name names (my therapist advises against burning bridges I might one day need to cross for sustenance), let's just say a few so-called "famous" shops have gotten lazier than my old college roommate—serving up dry, gristly discs of regret while resting on their long-soggy french fried laurels.
But Handsome Burger? Handsome Burger is the truth, the light, and quite possibly the reason I'll die happy despite my catastrophic cholesterol levels.
This underground marvel—literally located in the recesses of the Fushimi Underground Mall where dreams go to get griddle-smashed—is a shrine to what a burger should be. It's no exaggeration to say that biting into a Handsome Cheeseburger is like hugging your childhood best friend while a Motown record plays softly in the background and God himself whispers "You're doing great, kiddo" into your ear. I don't know how they do it. Sorcery? San Francisco burger magic? A griddle blessed by the meat gods and possibly stolen from the afterlife's most exclusive barbecue?
Whatever it is, it works with devastating efficiency.
The Burger
Let's start with the patty: 100% freshly ground beef, never frozen, sizzled right there on a 20mm thick griddle to glorious, crusty perfection. It's juicy in that "I need three napkins, a support group, and possibly a change of shirt" kind of way. Add real cheddar—not that plasticky "burger cheese" nonsense that food scientists created to give us all something to regret—and you get something that hits like a meaty jazz solo performed by fingers that have never touched a salad.
The bun? From Gourmand Vidal, one of the region's most respected bakeries. It's fluffy with just the right toast on the edge, like a cloud got a suntan at precisely golden hour. If you've ever had a bun disintegrate mid-bite like your dating history, rest easy—this one holds the line like a loyal friend who's never heard your darkest secrets but would still help you move the bodies.
Fries That Flirt
Don't even get me started on the fries. No, really. I once ate half the bag before remembering I had a burger to review. My editor called, and I just mumbled "potato" into the phone for three minutes. Thin, golden, just a touch salty—like that friend who's always snarking on your Instagram stories but would fight a bear for you while complaining about the bear's fashion choices.
Yes, I've heard whispers that they're not crispy enough. "They're too limp," say people whose opinions on food I trust about as much as a cat's opinion on water safety. "They need more time in the fryer," claim individuals who probably microwave their ice cream. Well, these people probably put ketchup on sushi and think cilantro tastes like soap—which is scientifically true, but morally wrong. Let's not listen to frustrated pedants.
These people need therapy, not hamburger help.
The Combo
The Handsome Combo (¥1150) includes the burger, fries, and a drink—AKA the holy trinity that makes religious experiences seem quaint by comparison. There's also a Burger & Fries set for ¥990 if you prefer your hydration from tears of joy or the sweat of your brow as you contemplate what you've become.
Toppings? Yes, and yes again! For just ¥120 each, you can add avocado (for the health-conscious sinner), mushrooms (for the forest-dwelling gourmand), egg (for the breakfast-at-all-hours revolutionary), or apple-smoked bacon (for people who understand that life is short and should be lived with pork products). Or go full beast with an extra patty for ¥350. I've done it. I've seen the other side. It's delicious... and they have couches there.
Minor Grumbles
Yes, it's standing-only, like some barbaric meat chapel where comfort is sacrificed at the altar of turnover. Yes, it's cash-only, as if we're living in the financial dark ages before the miracle of tap-to-pay. Yes, they close at a maddeningly early hour (except Fridays), seemingly unaware that burger cravings respect no clock.
And yet... I would live here. I would move in with a futon, a tiny fridge, and call this place home if they'd let me. I've asked. They won't. I'm working on a disguise.
Some folks complain the patty's too thin. "Where's the beef?" they cry, like cattle rustlers who've lost their herd. To them, I say: thickness is not a substitute for soul, much like how wealth is not a substitute for personality. And this burger has soul in every charred, cheesy, lettuce-draped bite. It's the Miles Davis of meat sandwiches—it doesn't need to be loud to change your life.
Staff & Vibes
The staff? Friendly, fast, and running a tight ship that would make naval officers weep with pride. They've got that calm confidence of people who know they're making the best burger in town and aren't trying to be flashy about it—unlike me, who would wear a sandwich board proclaiming my love if society allowed it. Just good vibes, sizzling beef, and—wait for it—jazz. That's right. Smooth, unobtrusive jazz hums through the space like the bassline to your burger fantasy. Coltrane meets Colby Jack. It's all very... cool. You don't eat here so much as swing through lunch like you're in a Murakami novel where the protagonist has given up existential dread for beef.
The Menu
(Translated from Heaven by Someone Who Failed Divinity School)
Hamburger – ¥730
100% beef patty, red onion, tomato, lettuce, house special sauce (which I suspect contains controlled substances)
Cheeseburger – ¥830
Add melty cheddar cheese to the above and thank me later, preferably in your will
Handsome Combo – ¥1150
Burger + medium fries + drink = the reason I no longer fit into my wedding suit
Burger & Fries – ¥990
Same as above, minus the drink (why would you? Are you allergic to joy?)
Toppings:
Apple-smoked bacon
(Meat on meat, as God intended)
Grilled mushrooms
(for pretending you're eating vegetables)
Avocado
(to justify the cost to your millennial friends)
Organic egg (fried)
(for protein enthusiasts and those who enjoy yellow lava) +¥120 each
Extra patty
¥350 (do it, coward)
Fries – ¥380
(cheaper than therapy)
Fresh Lemonade – ¥480
(for vitamin C to fight off scurvy)
Drinks – ¥270
(Coke, Zero, Ginger Ale, Orange, Apple, Melon Soda, etc.)
Bottom line? Handsome Burger isn't just living up to the hype—they're flipping patties on top of it, then serving that hype medium-rare with a side of shut-up-and-eat. If you live in Nagoya and haven't been yet, I can only assume you've been trapped under something heavy or are clinically allergic to happiness. Free yourself. Eat here. And when your friends ask why you can't stop talking about a burger joint, just send them this review and watch as they, too, spiral into beef-based obsession. You're welcome, and I'm sorry.
The Details
Handsome Burger
Shops 39–40
Fushimi Underground Mall
Nishiki 2-13-24, Naka-ku
Nagoya
Directly connected to Fushimi Station underground, southeast of Exit 1
Hours:
Tue, Wed, Thu, Sat: 11:00–15:00
Fri: 11:00–19:00
Closed: Sun, Mon, and holidays
Cash Only
(Bring yen, not excuses.)
Takeout Available
Standing counter only
MAP
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