(Originally printed in THE ALIEN Magazine, Sept 1990)
Tokyo - Troubled Millionaire Donald Trump has recently opened a unique chain of English schools in Japan.
"The Donald," as he is affectionately known, is gambling that his foray into the English school business will help save him from creditors and mounting financial woes that are threatening to push him into bankruptcy.
"Basically, we were looking for an easy way to score a lot of cash quickly, and the English school racket, er... I mean, business came to mind", a company spokesman stated in an exclusive ALIEN interview. Trump, however, dismisses critics who say he knows nothing about English schools, or for that matter, the neanderthal workings of the all-important immigration office. "Look, if there is one thing New Yorkers know about, it's how to talk a long time about nothing–we're naturals for this."
Still, others say that Trump is putting too much of investors' money into the project. Many see a parallel with the spectacular $500 million Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City.
Honto Kechi, owner of the "Let's English" school, commented on the matter: "He is spending way too much money on the company in contrast to most English schools who squeak and wretch every blood-soaked yen out of the students and teachers in order to maximize profits, he'll never survive. My gosh, he even pays the teachers MORE than the sales agents! He has his priorities all wrong."
The Donald School of New York English offers a complete curriculum, teaching students a wide range of skills they will need to function and communicate effectively in America's foremost metropolis.
"It is the best school anywhere. No one has ever seen anything like it. This school is first-class, the greatest school anywhere, except New York, of course." Trump boasts. "The Donald School of New York English is the first school to recreate a true urban American environment. "
The school consists of several hermetically sealed rooms transported directly from New York, which contain actual New Yorkers in their natural habitat. Among the environments on offer is the Subway Room. Created at an enormous cost, this room simulates a typical subway ride through Queens at 3:00 am, where students are encouraged to practice survival English.
Students also have an opportunity to learn useful words and phrases such as "Stick 'em up!", "Gimme all your dough, or the broad gets it!" and many more native colloquialisms. "We're striving for realism," says a company spokesman. "We've employed a wide range of teachers in an attempt to allow the students contact with a real cross-section of New Yorkers."
Students are left in the rooms with these "teachers," some of whom seem unaware that they've actually left New York at all. One of them, Guido Rivetolli, an instructor in the problem-plagued "Little Italy" section, has had several altercations with students. The company says that Rivetolli is simply "overenthusiastic when it comes to his job." Recently, when one of the students acquiesced to his demands for money and gave him a wad of ¥10,000 notes, Rivetolli responded by pumping the student full of slugs from a .35 automatic. Needless to say, Rivetolli was dropped to part-time.
While such problems persist, the company insists that actual fatalities are quite low.
Prospective students who come by the school for information are taken into the special Wall Street Room. Staffed with former investment bankers and financial consultants convicted of fraud and other similar offenses, this room gives visitors a glimpse of what the school is all about. The staff act as sales agents while giving sample lessons on the intricacies of financial dealings in New York.
A company spokesman says, "Our success in obtaining new members is rather high. Some students, unfortunately, come away thinking they have brought stock or securities. But most are smiling!"
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