Viewing Porn Under Kotatsu Causing Birth Rate Decline

Burning units are causing a stir among reserchers

The decline in the Japanese birthrate has been blamed on the nation's men watching pornography when sitting under a kotatsu, and scientists have claimed—a trend that has only worsened with the latest advances in immersive technology.

Studies undertaken by Kenta Tanaka, Head of Pornography Studies at The Kenko Hoken Hentai Research Facility in Nagoya, show that the dangers associated with combining self-pleasure and a heated filament are creating a situation in which men are unable to perform their marital duties, resulting in families having fewer children.

"The kotatsu has long been a staple of the Japanese winter, with families gathering under it each evening to watch television and eat dinner," Tanaka said.

"But since the introduction of ultra-thin AR glasses and holographic displays that can project adult content directly into one's field of vision, a disturbing trend has developed in which males wait for family members to leave before engaging in solitary exploits with increasingly disastrous consequences"

These studies have been backed up by statistics compiled by Nagoya hospitals' burns units, which report a 37% increase in specific injuries since the release of the Apple Vision Pro Lite in late 2024.

"We are treating more and more men for third-degree burns on parts of their anatomy that really shouldn't be exposed to heat," said Dr. Mai Nishida. "Of course, they all have creative stories as to how it happened, but it's no coincidence that cases have skyrocketed since holographic pornography became widely accessible. Unfortunately, many patients—particularly repeat visitors—are unable to father children in the future."

Gozo Amano, visiting the burns unit for the sixth time in as many months, offered his explanation:

"I was simply testing my new neural interface under the kotatsu when the haptic feedback malfunctioned and startled me into an unfortunate position against the heating element. It was all very innocent."

His wife, Ai Amano, expressed skepticism. "Then why did I find you screaming, attempting to soothe the burn with our expensive cooling gel while 'Tokyo Temptations VR Edition' was still running on your neural implant?" she asked.

"The neighbors could hear the audio through our smart home speakers."

His claim that he was merely testing the emergency response features of his new AI assistant seemed to fall on unbelieving ears, especially after discovering his subscription to seventeen different adult content platforms.

Government officials have proposed a new safety campaign for 2025 featuring the slogan: "Keep your hands where we can see them—and away from the heating element."